Oct 25, 2012

Why don't women initiate sex?

"Though I love our image of the 'perfect couple', but if I read between the lines, may be I am unsatisfied.

It's been three years, but I am still desperately waiting for the day when my lady love will take the sexual lead and surprise me with her moves. Many times, I thought of discussing it with her, but dropped the idea as she may find it derogatory. Though we share a great chemistry, be it in or outside the bedroom, still I crave for the day when she would make the first move," confesses Samrat Tripathi, a 29-year-old Delhi-based media person. 

Samrat isn't the only one craving for his girl to initiate the action in bed. "Is it just me who wants sex?", "Am I failing to satisfy her?", "Is my technique wrong?", "Does she wish for more pampering and initial plays?" are some of the thoughts that keep haunting men. This thought process keeps them so occupied that most of the time they fail to see some of the very obvious reasons for their problem. 

It takes no rocket science to understand your beloved's physical needs, you just need to be caring and sensitive to figure out what's stopping her from making the first move. Here are some of the most common reasons holding her back... 

Will he respond? 

Many women with fragile ego find it difficult to kick start the action in the bedroom, as the fear of rejection keeps hounding them. 

Aarti Rawat, a call centre executive says, "I am not afraid of telling my boyfriend what I need from him, but something holds me back initiating sex. Guys are so complicated and it's difficult to understand their needs so I keep guessing what's on his mind. I can just give him subtle signals like rubbing my cheeks against his or a passionate kiss to reveal my innate desires, but most of the times he fails to understand my hidden passion within these moves. It obviously hurts me so, even if I want to, so I let him take the lead." 

Expert speak: Dr Himanshu Saxena, a relationship expert opines, "Men are more vocal about their sexual desires than women, that is one of the reasons they end up initiating sex almost always. Everybody loves to be on the receiving end and may be she doesn't mind it. So, if you want to turn the tables, then practice some self-control. Maybe for a couple of days, seduce her the way you always do. Wear the smell that she loves, give her a soothing massage, a luscious kiss, after you realize that she is getting turned on, gradually pull away. If you continue this for a few days, she might not be left with any option but to drag you to bed and take charge to sustain a night of pleasure." 

He might make fun of me!

Some men are really critical when it comes to love-making and that is why their partners believe in just following the lead. 

Sunaina Verma, a corporate communication manager with a firm adds, "I was seeing this guy for nearly two years. Though I was deeply in love with him, but he I felt his love-making skills were very amateurish. He was so focused on what he wanted that he usually used to forget my comfort levels. Therefore, to tell him what I wanted, I decided to take the lead one day. I had read that guys love being kissed all over while making out, but the trick didn't work for me. After 15-20 minutes of my hard work he said, 'don't treat me like candy, its no fun.' It was humiliating for me." 

Expert speak: Dr Sameer Parekh, a noted psychiatrist says, "Everybody has their own comfort zones and pleasure points. If you do not like your beloved's love-making techniques, rather than making fun of her, tell her what makes you go week in the knees. Make love to her the way you want her to treat you. Criticizing her will only hurt and will not help either of you. If you don't behave properly, she might not ever dare to try anything new to please you." 

Baby it hurts

The definition of enjoyment might be completely different for you and your wife. 

Nita Sahni, a homemaker informs, "I got married a couple of months back. It almost took us a month for me to get completely at ease with my hubby. As a result of my fear of physical proximity, I used to withdraw from my hubby. I noticed a great deal of disappointment in my hubby because of that. I decided to keep silent about my discomfort and just go ahead with sex mechanically." 

Expert speak: "Encountering pain during sex is the most common problem that most of couples face, but finding a solution is necessary. Sometimes the reason can be just change in sexual behavior or inadequate inital play. But in some cases, you may have to seek medical help. Your partner might be suffering from a sexually transmitted disease. Therefore act responsibly and take note of what's bothering your better half," tells Dr Saxena. 

Not tonight honey!

How often do you hear this? But merely blaming your partner for never being in the mood is not fair. 

Sheela Oberoi, a school teacher says, "I am in my mid 30s, have a family to look after and a job that consumes nearly ten hours everyday. When I go back to my bedroom at 11 o'clock in the night, I am left with no energy to do sex. May be my age has also affected my sex interest. Many times my hubby complains about it, but there is nothing I am able to do about my low sex interest." 

Expert speak: "If your partner's interest in sex has dropped significantly, try to make make an effort to find out what is it that is responsible for the same. If it is just stress and fatigue, then you should find out ways to relive the mental tension. Be it a surprise vacation, an encouraging massage or just an elongated conversation at a lavish dinner - try out diverse ways to take your lover's mind off the nitty gritties of life. And never forget to experiment in bed," suggests Dr Parekh. 

She thinks it's a taboo 

Do guys really think highly of girls who take the lead in sex? Many girls grow up with this question in their mind. 

Sawati Arora, a bank employee says, "I am getting married in a few months, but I have no plans to take the lead in bed with my future hubby. My friends have made me believe that if I do so, he may think that I have had some past experience and may doubt my loyalty. According to the normal perception, guys are supposed to initiate things in bed and I plan to stick to the same." 

Expert speak: Dr Mittal says, "Most of new age women also have this fact imprinted in their mind somewhere. So you should make all possible efforts to erase these doubts from her mind forever. On a date, try to talk to her about what turns her on and how eagerly you want her to make efforts to pamper you in bed. She may take sometime to get okay with the idea, but if you try to make her comfortable, soon she will express her desires in every possible way." 

Employing the subtle tricks of engaging her in sexual activities, patience and some sexperiment you are likely to get what you have been vying for. 


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